A beginning from an ending

I think a necessary part to starting a blog is an introduction- a beginning if you will.  Since I have never really tried to do this before now, I believe this is necessary for us to build a relationship as blogger-reader.  Yet, there is a lot more to this story than you may want to read.  In my case, an ending is the start to my story.  Part of me died on April 11, 2010.  I still feel it today, that dead spot in my heart.  It is only the numbness that has developed around it that prevents me from constantly breaking down. 

It started out as a normal day.  We are always busy, and this was no different.  One child has softball practice, another has something else at the same time.  So like always, Bran and I were going in different directions.  I had the girls, Anna Faith and Abigail, and Bran had the boys, Nathan and Samuel.

I have to admit, looking back now, this was a blessing in disguise from God, because he allowed me to spend 1 on 1 time with Abigail while AF was practicing softball.  However, at the time, I didn't see it that way, because Abigail was being a pain like normal, and demanding that I follow her around and cater to her every need.  And yet I did, because that was how she lived.  Passionate-no time to wait.  That was Abigail.  It was as if she knew her time was short, and she needed to do it all.  Right then.  And she needed me to do it with her.

At some point, Brandy showed up with the boys, and she got to see Abigail for a few minutes before she was off with Nate to another function.  We debated whether or not to all go with them, and finally decided that Bran and Nate should go alone, and the other 3 and I could go to the library, and then get some work done at home.  I have to admit, this was the dumbest decision I have ever made.  But you don't make decisions with knowledge of what is to come.

So the 3 kids and I went to the library.  Except I forgot to get the library card from Brandy-or so I thought.  I found out later that it was on the kitchen table.  So we were in the parking lot of the library, trying to get in touch with Brandy.  However, her phone was not working well, the battery was bad, and the phone would die quickly after charging.  This is what happened on this day.  She did not know I was trying to call her.  This would ring ominous later on. 

I am going to be vague from this point, because I don't really want to belabor this, and there are still some issues we are dealing with that keep me from talking frankly.  To get to the point, we went home, and about 5 minutes after we got home, Abigail was hit by a neighbor's car in their driveway.  It was so quick and sudden, that I didn't really have time to process what had happened.  I was just trying to save my little girl.  I remember giving her CPR in my front yard, praying to God to help her, and trying to console my 2 others which were behind me scared to death.  I have never felt so helpless in my life.  It was as if the entire world was crashing around me, and all I could do was watch the destruction. 

It's wierd, because my memories of the day were crystal clear until this point.  After Abigail was hit, everything is fuzzy.  I remember someone driving me to the hospital.  I remember standing in the emergency room.  I remember when Brandy got there.  I remember watching her little body with all those doctors and nurses working on her.  And I remember when the doctor called it, and stopped doing CPR.  But that is about it.  Everything else was fuzzy, like a dream almost.  Which is how I still look at it.  This is a dream, and I should wake up and find my little bit in her bed.  Not in a casket in the ground.  Part of me, part of what I helped to create, died on April 11, 2010.  And I thought at the time, that both Brandy and I would do the same- whither up and die.  But that is not what happened.

God has used this destruction to get my attention.  I titled this blog Life Abandonment.  I actually heard this phrase on a You Tube video with Eric Ludy.  It stuck with me because it reminded me of Abigail and how she lived, and also because it is how I want to live.  Abigail's middle name is Hope, and she has offered so much hope to people since she died.  Brandy and I decided to honor her life by doing all we can to help others and offer them hope, when there might not have been any.  God gave Abigail a short time here, but it's impact has been and will continue to be tremendous.  As we continue in this blog, you will see how someone so small can leave such a legacy.  I hope it impacts your own life, as it has others.

I want you today to know that you have hope.  That even in your own despair, there is hope.  This blog is about discovering this hope, and learning how to love others.  My own goal is to learn to love others to the point that I can abandon my own life, just as I think my daughter would have done.  I hope that through this blog, you may learn to do the same.