Monday, April 11, 2011

Welcome Home

I am sorry for the long amount of time between posts.  I have had so many things I wanted to talk about.  Several topics I thought were important to share.  However, I have not had any time to do so.  It has been a sprint at our house for the past month.  Everyone's schedule has seemed to be in hyperdrive around our house.  Some of if is the time of year.  We have to celebrate 3 birthday's in a month and a half, have 3 sports going on at the same time, etc...  It feels like everyday is packed from 6:00 am to 11:00 pm.  And it mostly has been.  I should add that we are adopting, so we have a sense of trying to prepare for new little ones we've never met.  So March and to this point in April have been moving at a pace I can't remember ever going at before.  Really fast. 

And then we came to last weekend.  To Abigail's birthday party.  To yesterday.  To today.

It's funny, because I've thought about what to do with this past weekend and today for weeks in regards to this blog.  How to approach it.  What to say.  Frankly, how to honor her here.

All I came up with is this:  A year ago today, my daughter died.  I miss her.

Not inspiring, huh?  I guess sometimes the simple truth is the best.  And I'm a simple guy.  So there you go.

I'm not real excited about talking about what happened today last year.  Because I can't change what happened then.  It is the past, and unfortunately, it will stay that way.  Time is this wierd idea that something linear can also be something cyclical.  As if I can re-live this day again because it is the same date as last year. 

Or yesterday, which was the same Sunday on the calendar that she died on.  I can relive it again.  I can save her this time.  I can do CPR better.  I can lock the door.  I can find the library card.  I can say all the things I want to say to her knowing this is the end, not "Be quiet Abigail, you are driving me crazy!!"  (She was screaming in the car on the way home).  I can put her in her crib so she will take a nap.

Anything to change the day.  Anything.

But I can't.  Because time is linear.  We don't relive April 11, 2010.  We live April 11, 2011.  A completely different day.  The earth is in a similar position in relation to the sun, but not the exact same position.  I am a different age.  I look different- more hair in my nose.  Everything is different.  It is not the same day.

So I can't relive the day because it is impossible.  I will not allow grief to take today from me, because it can't take something that I don't have.  I will live today, because today is a new day.  A different day.

Our sorrow comes from only the fact that we knew her for only a short time.  But not from the result.  The funny thing is I am envious of Abigail.  I titled the blog "Welcome Home" because that is what Jesus said to her when she died.  She is in Heaven.  She feels no pain or fear now, no sorrow, no sickness.  Only joy.  Pure joy to be in the presence of our Father.  And his love is greater than mine.   So my sorrow is not for her.  My sorrow is for Brandy and my kids, who have lost a part of themselves in her.  My sorrow is for you, who are missing out on meeting a special person.  My sorrow is for me, because grief is selfish.

I will see her again real soon.  But for now, my job is to live a life worthy of Christ.  Because we are called to lead other to Him by example.  Be like Christ, so others can see what He looks like. Live like Christ, because that is what He calls us to do.  He wants to tell you "Welcome Home" as well.  So does Abigail.

Spend your time here on Earth trying to get to Heaven.  Trying to meet Jesus.  Trying to meet Abigail.

Because this life is all we have.  But it is temporary.  And our lives in Heaven will be Eternal.

"Dear Abigail,

I will see you soon, little princess.  I love you.

Love Daddy."